What have kept me away from being happy? Why everything went wrong with my life? The same question came repeatedly in my mind during the last 4 years. The question that finally led me to the basic question: what is it in my heart, what is it in my subconscious mind?
It all started when I found out that I lost grip of my own life. I used to see myself as an effective woman. I managed my life between work and home. I managed my role as a mother, a daughter, a big sister, member of many social groups, member of organization where I work. I could handle office matters as good as family matters. I see myself, other people and events as variables supporting a systematic life, with a predictable movement. I was a sharp, direct, impatient person. I reasoned everything that had happened in my life as a logical action-consequence relationship. I might exaggerate that facts a bit, but all I want to say is that it was all history, it was all fake.
When I found out that my baby boy is hearing impaired, I managed to stay efficient, and systematically arranged a program for him. I announced calmly to friends that I have such a problem. My mother supported me and spent her time to take care of my son when I was at the office. But suddenly I lost my mother. She died in a car crash in a trip home after taking my son to a therapist in Bogor. Everybody in the car, my son, the nanny and the driver survived. But she wasn’t. She died when helping me taking care of my son. She died because of me! I started to feel sick every day, every time I woke up in the morning. I reluctantly came to the office everyday. Everything was suddenly slipped off my grip. I couldn’t focus on my work. My relationship with others became more difficult.
The sudden death of my mother also brought me a new paradigm. I saw a lot of people moaning for her death. Are they going to miss me when I die? How they will remember me? I was just an office worker, contributing to a, what so called, corporate goal. Was the goal real? All that we cared about was how much salary raises and bonuses we could get. I started to hate my job, the very unimportant work that kept me away from being a good mother and human being.
At that very fragile stage, a friend gave me an interesting book by Brian Weiss MD on his experience in treating his patients’ trauma by regressing them to the past. I am a Muslim, and some ideas on the book were beyond my comprehension. But one thing stuck on my mind; the question of what is the purpose of our life. What is the purpose of MY life? I believed that God has His own plan. At that very moment, the company where I work stopped operating and gave an adequate amount of allowances for me to stay at home for a year. I had a luxurious opportunity to have more time for myself. So the journey to find my true self has begun.
I attended a hypnotherapy session. But I didn’t feel that it was effective. I was too scared to give up myself under the control of the therapist. I then spent most of my time by voluntarily working for a hearing impaired children foundation. My goal was simple: I felt that I have wasted my life so I wanted to be useful for others. At that time I had found what I considered the best solution for handling my hearing impaired son. It was a blessing, and I wanted to share it with others. I met new people, different people with variety of problem. I then realized that I was nothing. My problem was nothing. The corporate life I have adored so much in my life was nothing. A lot of great people do a lot of real work, influencing the life of others, and in most cases, the life of the unfortunate. I had a circle of close friends with a similar vision of helping other parents, and other hearing impaired children to overcome their limitation. My involvement in the foundation seemed the best therapy to heal myself. I touched my heart when touching others’. I grieved with other parents. I was being myself. I cried whenever I wanted to cry. I let the child within me took over myself, and my logic. I surrendered. La haula wa laa quwwata illa billah.
When I felt ready to move on, I found myself not knowing where to go. I have a job with a manageable time. I was not interested to join a fast-paced corporate life and neglecting the very basic needs of my self-fulfillment. I decided to take a graduate study. The decision that seems the best decision I made in the last couple of years. I was so surprised when I find out that beside the ‘regular’ subjects, I have the opportunity of learning how to manage my inner self in one of the subject in the 2nd term. What a luxury! I learned how to meditate, accessing my subconscious mind. I used to feel that it was difficult to stay focus, leaving the world behind, going inside our mind. I was easily distracted by anything. But when I followed the instruction from the teacher, Mark Vranken, I could reach the alpha state, the state where my critical mind is turned off. I made my affirmation successfully at the very first time.
Regularly now, I sit silently at my room. The process is simple, I will take a few deep breaths, feeling relax. Scanning my body, and feeling myself flying out of my body. I will make affirmation, recall emotional anchor and make affirmation again repeatedly. I also learned to release negative emotions. I am a happy human being. I enjoy the classes. I enjoy being at the office. I am not sure what makes me happy. Is it the idea of mastering the skills of self management that will open so many opportunities ahead, or is it because one of my affirmation statement was I am a very happy human being? Subhanallah…
